Just say “Yes…”

Starbucks and Nordstroms are known for their outstanding customer service.  The phrase “Just say, yes!” is often associated with such service.  I am here to propose this statement as your next parenting strategy.  

My kids are not so young or small anymore.  We just had the wonderful opportunity to watch our friends’ children while they were away for a weekend.  After our weekend with younger children in our house, my daughter asked, “Mom, when do you say, “No”?”  I smiled.  She had witnessed my great parenting treasure and recognized it on her own!

I believe the word “No” is a very important word.  Probably more important for Mom to use for herself (more on this another day) than with her kids.  Children hear “No” from the rest of the world and because of its frequency, it loses its potency.  I am thankful that none of my children said, “No.” as their first complete sentence.  Phew!  

My children all would say that we are strict parents, but they also would say that we were extremely permissive in certain areas. 

The best example is sugar.  I want my children to have a healthy relationship with sugar and not allowing them to eat it under my watch would create insatiable desires to over indulge when an opportunity arises.  So, I would just say, “Yes…”  

Mom, may I have another cookie?  Yes… as soon as you eat more broccoli.  

Mom, may I have a popsicle?  Yes… after you eat your lunch.

Mom, may I have sugared cereal?  Yes… if you mix it with a plain cereal.

The interesting thing is, my kids wanted the permission to indulge, not to actually do it!  (Now, remember, that I have done this their entire lives, so they were not entering into this after a strict no-sugar-ever lifestyle, or one that they felt was highly regulated.)    So, they would get more broccoli (far more than I would have given them!) and never finish it.  They would work on eating their lunch, but never get to the last bite.  They did not want to “ruin” the sweet cereal, so instead would opt for the healthy cereal they already liked. (I just threw away a box of Cocoa Puffs that were a Christmas gift! It was half full and really stale!)

It is truly fascinating to watch play out.  

I realize that there are not always “Yes…” responses that parent well, but when our “No” has become something that rarely is spoken, it gains much more power when it is needed.

Here are a few examples…

Can I have a sleepover? Yes…, when you are in high school.

Can I ride my bike to the grocery store?  Yes… if your older sister will go with you.

May I wear stretch pants?  Yes… if you wear a long shirt to cover your assets.

May I paint a picture (in your freshly scrubbed house)?  Yes… you may do that outside.

Will you make me popcorn?  Yes… when I finish whatever I am currently doing.

May I watch this PG-13 movie?  Yes… when you are 13.

May I be excused?  Yes… when we are all done eating.  

Can I play on your phone?  Yes… when your sister is not in the basketball game and is sitting on the bench… or… when I am done checking my emails… or… after I make a call.

(I know I am bouncing between using the word can and may… I don’t mind if my children are not always using the grammatically proper word… so, this is what the questions actually sound like in my home!) 

There are so many ways to do this!  Have fun practicing.  Be sure to laugh at yourself when you say something ridiculous, because to get good at this, that will happen!  For example:  May I have more broccoli?  Yes… as soon as you finish your French fries.  (I actually said that, because I was expecting the question to be the other way around!  My husband almost choked and then had to excuse himself from the table to finish laughing! When he returned he quietly helped the child eat their French fries so that they could have more broccoli! We did follow through.)

Allow your children to hear “Yes…” responses.  You will feel better and they will think they are getting away with something!!  And now, your “No” will have great power.  Use it well.