That’s mine!

A friend recently asked me if we made our children share their toys.

I can only answer that with a resounding, “Yes!”  

But, behind my “yes” are deep and character building reasons for my children.    

Before I jumped into this, I did probe a little about her question. She had recently been told that another family had decided that sharing was difficult and created hostility and arguments among the children. So, by making it clear that each toy belonged to a specific child, that removed any arguments over who should get to use it. That child was not required to share and likewise, siblings were not allowed to use toys that were not their own. Fascinating! I could see how temporarily, this would make parenting a bit easier. No sharing. Phew!

However, as I unpacked this idea I recognized lessons that I would shudder to think that I was responsible for teaching my own children. 

The first atrocity that I think about is, if my children do not have to share anything that is distinctly their own, then why would I? What would their expectations of others look like? These are my dinner plates and silverware, you will have to eat on the floor… oh, wait, that’s mine, too! In order for the world to make sense, I would have to model not sharing. I will not do that.

Second, in teaching them not to share their toys, I would inadvertently be teaching them that stuff holds importance over people. We all have met someone who overreacts when something is damaged, forgetting that there is an individual that is being personally impacted by this behavior. People matter, stuff can be replaced.

Next, it creates an environment that demands equality. If one child receives 2 dolls for their birthday, then the other child must… but my son does not like dolls?! The craziness of this thinking can go on all day!  

I have many comments that I find myself repeating regularly to my children… one is “Life is not fair!” And, “Nor do you actually want life to be fair!” If life was fair, we would all take naps when the baby takes naps. We would all eat pureed food, since the baby has to. If someone gets sick, then we should all get sick. You see how this logic simply is not sustainable, and yet, there is an innate desire that “Life should be fair!”, even though the reality is that life is anything but fair.

In our home, we share almost everything! (Let’s not be too silly… not underwear, clothes follow a child for a time, until they no longer fit and can be given to the next in line.) Each of my children has a lovey that holds special importance to them, I allowed them to keep that to themselves (But, so grimey! I am not sure anyone else would want to touch those!) Items that someone received for a birthday, they had priority over for a day or two, but after that, whoever was playing with it first, got to use it. My children learned quickly how to ask, “Are you done playing with that toy?”  “May I play with that?”  “May I play with you?” The same thing is true with our TV, whoever is watching it first gets to use it. This actually gives our family great opportunities to have a conversation and in a calm and gentle tone to explain why one person may need that for a time, even though they were not first, and they can ask to use it first. This is a valuable skill…. And if the answer is “no”, learning to accept that and handle disappointment in a healthy fashion is also valuable.

In our home, we focus on time spent with people… and that may involve a toy. It may not. People are important and because of that, we must learn to share and communicate around sharing, in order that we start to understand what kindness and goodness look like. This lesson begins when a child is old enough to say “Mine!”