Push-ups

Our first child is a passionate, strong willed beauty. She exuded confidence in all areas, even areas that she actually knew NOTHING about. She told me in kindergarten that she did not need to go to college, because she already knew how to be a teacher. In first grade, she was learning subtraction. I attempted to help her (I was a high school math teacher) and she told me that I can’t help her, because her math is too hard for me!  She not only excelled at knowing stuff, this girl excelled at pushing boundaries. If she was told that something was off limits, that is all she could think about. If she was told to do something, she immediately said, “No!” She loved claiming that Life is Not Fair, and helped me become quite well versed in responding to that by the time she was 3. She walked by 9 months and spoke sentences before her first birthday. She would have me in knots over how to teach her to obey. Living in LA left a calm public discussion as the only parenting option available, and that did nothing to teach her. We had our hands full.

Good Lookin’ traveled 150 days a year and often came home to find me weeping over my inability to manage this tiny person. He would stay up all night reading the next parenting book, give me the highlights and strategies in the morning and we would try it out on the “Demolisher-of-all-Parenting-Tactics”. Rinse and repeat. We tried all the strategies that we could find, some were more helpful than others, but none provided a solution to this havoc-wreaking-genius. I even kept a discipline journal for a full year, recording what strategy I chose, if it worked, why it didn’t and my reaction through the entire process. (She knew how to push my buttons and make me crazy faster than anything I have ever encountered, and I didn’t like feeling out of control.)

One day, when she was about 7 (I am going to have to look through my old journals and find out when exactly this came about), Brian and I were strategizing again. And we remembered back to our second week of marriage…  after our honeymoon, we worked at a week long overnight basketball camp. I worked in the kitchen and he coached. About 3 days into the camp, the coaches were running physical testing (push-ups, situps, sprints, etc.) when another coach came to him and said that one of his 9 year old boys just did 93 push-ups in one minute. No way!  Brian wanted to see it. So the kid did the test a second time (less than 5 minutes later) and knocked out 91 perfect push-ups in 60 seconds! Wow!  That night in the large group meeting, the camp director wanted to see this, so he called this kid up and in front of 300 campers, the kid did 94 push-ups in 60 seconds. The director said, “Tell us, how are you so good at push ups?”  “Well, my dad makes me do push ups when I mess up. And, I mess up A LOT!”  

With that memory, we decided that push-ups was the only thing we had not tried. We were going to use it differently than the kid at camp. We wanted our children to have the freedom to mess up, but we wanted them to understand that obedience is required. So, from that day on, our children got push-ups for disobedience or direct defiance. 

When they were small, we gave them their age in push-ups (starting at age 3). Once they turned 10, they get 10 push-ups (or 20 depending on how consistently belligerent they are) every time that they are disobedient or directly defiant. 

What does this look like?  “Please empty the dishwasher.”  NO. “That is 10 push-ups.”  You can’t make me. “That is 10 more push-ups.”  When the child starts to do the push-ups, then I can calmly count up… 1, 2, 3, 4,… if they stopped to unleash their tongue about how unfair it is to require any work from them, I just say, “That’s 10 more push-ups.”  and wait patiently for the child to resume the task, 5, 6, 7, 8, …29, 30. It removed any emotion from my parenting. I can calmly tell them to do something and if they refuse, then calmly give them push-ups. I would stand there with a smile on my face while they are doing push-ups, knowing that they are not only learning that obedience is important, but getting physically stronger in the process. 

Another beautiful problem that push-ups solves is that I no longer have to remember to deal with their disobedience when I get home. My children all knew that I have a terrible memory, so they would often take their chances out in public, knowing that the odds of me remembering to discipline them at home were in their favor! But push-ups can be done anywhere!.. In Target, in the grocery store, at church, at home, at the park, at Disneyland, even when driving (I would just pull over and have them get out and do push-ups!)  

Another lovely benefit, is that kids do not actually want to draw attention to themselves in public, so they do push-ups quite quickly so we can get out of the cereal aisle. And, when other adults see your children doing push-ups in public, no one suspects that they are being disciplined, instead they often comment about “how strong your child is”, or “what a great skill to be practicing.”  

The application of this goes one step further… my children know that push-ups are given for disobedience and direct defiance. Some days, children are obedient but still naughty. In those instances, I would give the child ONE warning about that behavior not being allowed and then the next time it happens, it is now disobedience and I give them push-ups. For example… on a particularly whiny day, I might say. “Please stop whining, I know you can use your words to say what you are thinking. This is your warning.”  Then the next time they whine I would say, “Remember, whining is not allowed you owe me 10 push-ups.”  And I don’t have to warn them again for the rest of that day, for that child, they get push-ups for whining.

I never used push-ups for accidents, like dropping a dinner plate or spilling their milk. That has natural consequences that teach the child how to be compassionate toward others if not blown out of proportion. Accidents were always followed by checking that the child is ok and then requiring their help to clean up. 

Another logistical detail is that I do not require great push-up form. And, honestly, I rarely count while they are doing them… only during head-to-head-battle-of-the-wills tests of obedience, like the example I gave earlier when the push-ups are delivered with a defiant tongue lashing from the child. 

Passion can barely even do a push-up, because obedience seemed the wiser choice to that child. Abercrombie did military quality push-ups by 8 years old, simply because of the number that had already been done and this child had the muscles to prove it!  Phoebe definitely holds the record for most push-ups done. Lava has the worst form, but numbers are kicking in and strength is taking over. Each of my children are respectful and confident, have great senses of humor and now are often willing to do push-ups just to push the limit one more time. Interestingly, they would each tell you that if discipline were a game, not one of them has ever won!  push-ups are always an option and there is always time for push-ups to be done. We take obedience very seriously!

Push-ups transformed our parenting. We are calm, quiet and prompt in our discipline. Our children know our expectations and the consequences. And we all love each other more because of it!  Hooray for push-ups!